So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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