The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
