woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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