I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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