bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
