Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
