dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
How naked do you want me to be?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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