R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
