All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Randomize
