She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
