My underwear smells like fireworks.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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