I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
