but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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