She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
