insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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