dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
