Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Randomize
