I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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