We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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