i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
