and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
