I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
