How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Do you remember whose house we're in?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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