Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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