it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
