We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Randomize
