we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Dicks are not precious.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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