Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
