Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
