ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
