My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Randomize
