I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
