So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
