just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
