the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
