My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I'm like, not good at living.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
