Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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