You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
