He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
