literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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