i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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