i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
