I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
now i know why i became what i already was.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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