you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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