Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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