At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
