I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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