Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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