Duck Duck Cougar?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You took a bar mat shot.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
