blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
