never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
