that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
