got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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