if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
