A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
