Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
